The last past few months have been tricky for me, trying to figure what is the problem.When I had my first diagnosis I was in denial. I didn’t even talk about it .I kept to myself. I didn’t take anything serious .I did totally nothing about it .If I was to go back; I would make a better choice.
I would take it serious from the word Go and maybe I could be writing a piece my journey to recovery than just sitting in my bed waiting for my anxiety to kick in. It took me years to realize that damn this shit is so real and its part of me and even then I was still checking myself out and am still doing so. Mental illness is not a topic the society has been willing to talk about until recently. It took severally lives to be lost through suicide for the whole country to wake up but more awareness should be done. Parents do not want to see their children on mood stabilizers, antidepressants and sleeping pills because they feel they know their kids better. If you one episode of the many episode we get maybe you would have a clear image of what it feels to know you are under attack and you cannot defend yourself. Stop trying to fit in my shoes because you can’t .You should be there to support me by doing the right thing and not dictating what I should do because you think it is right.

Every day is a learning day. Every day is another day trying to understand your triggers .I hate meetings and presentations back in Campus I preferred doing the paper work and explaining to my group want they can use but not me doing the presentation .I couldn’t figure it out until some few days back, when I was doing some pitch and even after my preps I had butterflies and I could go off the script. Keep learning your triggers, maybe it can be the only simple way to get out of that dark hole.

I hate when people keep talking about mental illness like it does not matter. It matters. The world would be a better place if we all understood mental health. We are not crazy. We are brave more than you think. Am seated at this coffee café just thinking out loud. The environment was cool for meditation until a group of men just coming in talking about how people are commit suicide because they don’t love themselves and lots of bullshit .So people think people kill themselves due to lack of self-worth . Some people think Suicide is a evil spirit or curse.

I find myself walking with that person in his or her last moment leading to committing suicide; I feel the pain they go through till the last minute of committing the act.
Being suicidal and contemplating to commit one has taught me one thing, when the signs are there reach out .Suicidal thoughts can be really tricky .Those voices can cripple you. Find a distraction.My best distraction is watching movies .It works for me because I get lost in the movie voice and for a moment I don’t listen to the voices in my head. Find something that works for you.

Movies may work for me but may cause triggers on your side. My coping mechanism maybe is different from yours. Take a walk when need be. Do physical exercise they easy the pain.

But Why?

Personally, I can never judge a person who commits suicide. Sometimes give up is not an option until it is an option. Being Suicidal I can clearly say for a fact sometime it the last result because you cannot find a way through. If you think it is easy to snap out of it, we would have done that the moment we received our diagnosis .It is never easy with mental health, one minute you are laughing and the next moment you can’t even walk yourself to the shower. One minute you are planning a pizza date with your friends the next one you are cancelling the date. One minute you need lots of company around you, the next you want to lock yourself in your bedroom, switch off your phone, and delete your social media accounts. You just want to be left alone.

You push people who love you away because you are afraid that you will hurt them with one single attack. The funny thing we know when bad days are coming and we trying so hard to make them good days but sometimes they become our worst nightmare.

Hauko Solo!

You are beautiful just the way you are .You are not alone.